Bill Gates Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

OSLO, NORWAY – In a move that surprised no one, the Nobel Committee announced today that Bill Gates has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his heroic efforts in single-handedly saving Africa. "After 200 years of the continent being messed up by outsiders, it's refreshing to see an outsider fix it," said a committee spokesperson.

Gates, who apparently saved Africa from Africans, was reportedly "humbled" by the award. "It was a team effort," he modestly stated, neglecting to mention that the team was mostly him.

In a surprising twist, the committee revealed that Gates narrowly edged out Bono, the U2 frontman, for the award. "It was a tough call, and we all knew neither would agree to share it, not after the Songs of Innocence colloboration with Apple" admitted the spokesperson. "Both are strong white males who have done so much for Africa, but in the end, we felt that Gates' efforts in introducing Windows 95 to the continent gave him the edge."

However, the award was not without controversy. Many were quick to point out Gates' past association with the notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, and others couldn't forget the haunting memories of Windows Millennium Edition. In response, the Nobel Committee unveiled a new "statue of limitations" policy, which conveniently absolves any past associations if the individual has done "enough good."

Melinda Gates, Bill's ex-wife and co-chair of their charitable foundation, was notably absent from the award ceremony. Sources close to the committee revealed that she was not allowed to share the award due to being a woman. "We felt that Bill's efforts were more...manly," explained the spokesperson.

During the post-ceremony press conference, a bold journalist posed a question to Gates, "While your efforts in Africa are commendable, what about addressing the poverty situation right in your backyard, in Seattle?"

Gates, momentarily taken aback, adjusted his glasses and said, "Well, you see, Seattle's issues are indeed complex. Africa has its lions and elephants, while Seattle boasts... Starbucks? It's all about setting the right priorities. And speaking of Starbucks, maybe Seattle needs its own billionaire champion. Howard Schultz, perhaps? After all, I've been a tad busy with Africa. And really, what has Howard done lately, for anyone?"

As the world celebrates Gates' achievement, many are left wondering what's next for the tech mogul. Rumors are swirling that he's set his sights on another challenge: single-handedly solving climate change by introducing a new version of Windows in collaboration with Sam Altman and OpenAI.