Binance Facilitated Illegal Trades by Iran, HSBC Supported Cartels Crafting Essential Goods for Society
In a groundbreaking display of judicial balance, cryptocurrency giant Binance was slapped with a $4.5 billion "naughty fee" for enabling Iran to play hide-and-seek with international sanctions. Meanwhile, HSBC's modest $1.9 billion oopsie-daisy in 2012, for merely oiling the cogs of commerce with cartel cash, seems almost quaint.
"It's about supporting local businesses," said an anonymous HSBC executive while shredding documents from 2008. "Cartels provide an... agricultural service. It's farm-to-nose, really."
In an age where moral compasses seem to spin more than a fidget spinner at a middle school, Binance’s flirtations with Iran, a nation teetering between democracy and divine decree, raise eyebrows and defense budgets. On the flip side, the Sinaloa Cartel's agricultural entrepreneurship caters to the nasal connoisseurship of affluent snowbirds. "It's practically a public service," a Cartel spokesperson might say, trimming a bonsai tree. "We're just humble farmers with a very dedicated customer base in gated communities." Both cases underline the thin line between being an international pariah and the life of the party.
CZ is fortunate. In China, he'd be a phantom. Here, we just give timeouts to the wealthy. Unless they double-cross their golf buddies, of course. - Merrick Garland
Merrick Garland, U.S. Attorney General, opined on Binance's lesser punishment: "CZ is fortunate. In China, he'd be a phantom. Here, we just give timeouts to the wealthy. Unless they double-cross their golf buddies, of course."
Back in 2012, an HSBC executive prophetically mused that technology would pave the way for a "better" future. Fast forward to today, and Binance’s high-tech laundering escapades with crypto make HSBC's quaint cash-filled boxes look like child's play. "Our paper trails? Adorably analog," reminisced the executive while nostalgically flipping through a photo album of teller windows custom-fitted for money boxes. "Binance's digital wizardry? That's the 21st-century makeover of money mischief. We were simply the caterpillar to their butterfly of financial innovation."
Amateur hour. They never pinched me for playing financial twister. CZ's laundering game? Child's play. He's only ahead because he cheats! - SBF
Sam Bankman-Fried, a philanthropist to bipartisan wallets, scoffed at the fines. "Amateur hour. They never pinched me for playing financial twister. Donations to Capitol Hill's left and right pockets weren't for charity. CZ's laundering game? Child's play. He's only ahead because he cheats!"
CZ, stepping down as Binance's CEO, was seen enrolling in a pottery class. "I'm crafting a new image," he stated. "Plus, I hear pottery is therapeutic after pocketing billions from illicit trades."
In the spirit of fairness, both entities have promised to add "Don't be evil" posters in every office, right above their shredders.
