Corporate Clash of the Titans: Philip Morris Lights Up Lawsuit Against Meta for Crown of Controversy
PALO ALTO, CA – In an unprecedented turn of events, Philip Morris International, the tobacco company now known as Altria, has launched a lawsuit against social media conglomerate Meta, formerly Facebook, for usurping its title as the "World's Worst Company," according to sources who are definitely not just vaping hot air.
The lawsuit, which was filed just as the sun was setting on another day of corporate shenanigans, alleges that Meta's recent escapades in getting teenagers hooked on their platforms through psychologically manipulative algorithms has outpaced the tobacco giant's own storied history of addicting adolescents to nicotine.
"We've been nurturing a generation of loyal customers since before Zuckerberg was in diapers," a Philip Morris spokesperson was quoted as saying, "And we've been setting up 'charitable' foundations to solve the very problems we've created since before it was cool to do so. It's high time we get our due recognition."
Meanwhile, Meta has been facing an onslaught of lawsuits from several U.S. states accusing the company of knowingly designing their platforms to be addictive to 13-year-olds, thereby creating a generation of screen zombies. Legal experts speculate that these states' courthouses may need to install additional filing cabinets just to keep up.
Not to be outdone, Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly hit back, stating that he has not only pioneered the art of digital addiction but has also pledged to donate all of his vast wealth to humanity, overshadowing the philanthropic gestures of mere mortals like Bill Gates. "Bill's got his continent, but I've gone global," Zuckerberg allegedly boasted. "I'm confusing humanity on a worldwide scale. And, I might've considered a presidential run, but let's face it, that's so 2016."
This satirical melee has left onlookers bewildered, with many questioning whether they should laugh, cry, or simply update their privacy settings. As the gavel prepares to come down on this corporate circus, the world watches with bated breath, popcorn at the ready.
In related news, linguists are still trying to decipher the true meaning behind the names "Altria" and "Meta," with early theories suggesting they may be ancient terms for "regret" or "irony." Meanwhile, the rest of us are left to ponder the age-old question: if a company rebrands in the forest and no one likes or shares it, does it make a profit?
